|Unfortunate incidients seem so magnified here.|
Reality is starting to sink in. For the past 11 months I have been running around Lusaka in lalaland living large going out, spending time with friends, making new friends, taking yoga classes, riding horses, having all of my chitenges turned into clothes. I have been almost completely oblivious to the future. Yes I was wrapped up with grad school stuff, but now that is on the back burner as a not so immediate future plan. I have applied for a job here or there. Then it hit me that I don’t have all that much time left here in Zambia. For the past three years this has been my home. This place has changed me. This place is what I know right now and everything else seems so strange. Reality hit me so hard it knocked the breath out of me. My current life decisions have me living in the states for the next 4 years give or take where the next year will take me. I thought I was getting better at long term commitments, but my goodness does this have me in a fit. My stomach was in my throat all day yesterday, I’m pretty sure I was approaching what some might consider a panic attack. I was afraid to be alone last the night before last for fear of falling into a deep depression and dwelling on uncertainty. This seems a little dramatic, from my understanding of how Americans are perceived this drama is true to form. But there are reasons for this severe anxiety, allow me to explain.
This has been a very strange week. Some scary things have happened this week and some very sad stories have come my way. They aren't my stories to tell but I have been overwhelmed this week at the unfairness of the world, bad things happen to good (really good, kind, generous and amazing) people. Its cruel how unfair life can be. Despite the sadness surrounding me I had a surprisingly good week. Which makes all the scary, sad things seem so much worse. All the suffering and sadness has made me panic even more. Not a day should be wasted. We never know what life has waiting for us around the corner, it could be the most wonderful blessing or the scariest curse. Life is a series of chance circumstances loosely strung together into what we call "our life."
Right now my life seems pretty OK, could be worse could be better. But that is all relative and I am satisfied with my current situation. Not knowing what the next year of my life will be like is starting to terrify me. It will be wonderful to travel around, catch up with family and friends and get reacquainted with life in America. But after 2 months of that I will start to go crazy. I'm no good at being unproductive, well I can be, but then I will get grumpy and mean with no purpose in life. Life is what you make of it, but right now I don't even know where to start. I can only ask the universe to open up some opportunities for me another chance circumstance that will add to the story that is "my life."