Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Being Ok With What You Want

Recently I have made friends with an interesting individual.  Most of the time when I need to talk to this individual it is for work things.  Most of the time the conversations end up on weird topics and with an exchange of way too much information for a professional interaction.  So now I would call this person a friend.  Gotta love new friends, they make life really interesting and the friendship feels kind of weird until there is a comfort level that is reached in the friendship.  The most mind blowing this about this new friend is how incredibly comfortable they are with what exactly they want in life right now.  There are no apologies, no hesitations or doubt about the statements "I want to get married.  I want to have children. I want to make a lot of money.  I'm ready and I want it to happen right now."  For me I don't know if I would have the courage to say these things, they are things I want but not things I would be so free to share.  They are personal and specific.  There is a mission at hand that will not rest until the goals are met.  The thoughts float around in my head.  I probably spend a lot more time thinking about these things then I realize, but am of the mentality that it will just happen in due course.  If it is mean to be then it will happen.  Marriage, family and financial stability are all things I am very ready for.  To admit this feels like a weakness to me for some reason.  It is like admitting I can't do it on my own anymore.  Doubt that I am suitable for either endeavor starts creeping into mind since I have not yet been even close to any of those things.  That doubt leads to a too many insecurities.  Maybe its time to realize that I can do it on my own, but I just don't want to anymore and that I would be capable of being a wife, mother and responsible adult.  I really admire this new friends un-bashful outcries for openly wanting these things in life.  There are so many things I would like to do in my life time, but now its hard to figure out which should be put on the back burn and which should be pursued with ardent passion. Its so wonderful to have people come into your life that rock your world a bit and make you re-evaluate what is important. I'm starting to think that marriage and parent-hood are ambitions that should be pursued just the same as an education, job, and handsome bank account.  That really what you have to show for in your professional life is really minimal to what you have to show in your personal life.  Whats the professional life for anyway if you have no one to share it with anyway.  Being humble and honest with yourself is a really great place to start when figuring out what you want in life.  Looks like it is time I re-evaluate what it is I want out of life. 

It might be time to fess up that the real reason I have held on to a $1000 clarinet is to be able to pass it on to my children if they are interested in pursuing such endeavors.  That I still have American Girl Dolls and Madame Alexander Dolls, both collectors items worth way more than I make in a month here, are stored in boxes at my mother's house for the daughter I hope to pass them on to one day.  Looks like my biological clock is ticking and its starting to feel like a time bomb is attached. 

1 comment:

  1. Wanting a partner and a family is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of joy - life is wonderful and you want to share it with someone. What could be wrong with that?

    I have a feeling you'll find that person sooner than you think. A little premonition, if you will. :)